Awake in This Life

What we are looking for… is what is looking.

—Wei Wu Wei

The more you know the less you understand.

—Tao Te Ching

The small self is always seeking outside itself for stability. Once it finds something that it feels will protect it for a while, it will attach to it. But the small self won’t rest for very long since it must continually seek outside itself for new attachments in order to replace those that are no longer useful. Even if the small self finds something that it believes will offer it permanent salvation, it will only stop seeking briefly before it either finds flaws in its acquisition or it finds something it thinks will better suit its needs.

Positively everything is fleeting, and this puts pressure on the small self to be prepared to go to war at any time in order to protect its interests. And yet all things, including the threats to ego as well as the solutions to its dilemmas, no matter what they are, will eventually fall apart. This universal law of entropy simultaneously exhausts the small self and yet keeps it in the driver’s seat. This allows the ego to begin seeking anew the moment anything fails to offer total security. This cycle of seeking generates suffering. When the small self tries to find lasting solace in anything, be it a habit, an addiction, another person, work, wealth or spiritual fulfillment, it maintains its role as the driver of the bus of experience, thus making the enlightened perspective into an impossible ideal.

I remember once attending a weekend meditation retreat where on the first night we were instructed to discuss what started us on our spiritual journeys. Everyone was sitting in a circle, taking turns telling their stories. I happened to be in the last position in the circle, and I remember feeling my heart break for so many of these people and the tragedies they’d suffered. Each of them, to a person, was seeking an escape from what life was dealing them, and I couldn’t blame them: deaths of spouses, partners, children; addiction to drugs, alcohol, and sex, among other things; losing their jobs; losing their positions in their communities. There seemed to be so much pain and personal tragedy. Finally it was my turn, and I didn’t really know what to say. My biggest reason for beginning my spiritual journey was greed. I was curious about Enlightenment, had always had an affinity with life’s big questions, and I wanted to find myself Awake in this life. Sure, I’d had my fair share of pain but nothing compared to the seekers in the circle. I was easily the youngest person in the group by twenty years. I didn’t want to offend anyone by revealing my seemingly insensitive and trivial reasons for climbing the spiritual ladder. Besides, what kind of Buddhist admits to feeling greedy? So I simply said one word, “Curiosity.” That was it.

“Of all the reasons we’ve heard so far, that’s maybe the best reason to start,” said the lady brown robe leading the retreat. Suddenly, I began feeling incredibly self-conscious. She reminded me of a cross between an imposing Catholic nun carrying a ruler and Mrs. Eklund, my beloved nursery school teacher. She was ferocity merged with total love. “All of you interested in seeking an escape from your pain might as well leave,” she laughed. “You might, over time, not feel your pain as acutely once you begin your practice, but real meditation is about facing the causes and conditions of your suffering with an open curiosity,” she said, with an intense gaze. “It is not about seeking an escape. In fact, it’s not about seeking anything. It’s about facing every single bit of your life: all of your drama, all of your stories, and all of ours, too.”

A mixture of fear and pride crept into my awareness. Phrases like, “I kinda’ got the right answer,” as well as, “This retreat might totally suck,” filled my head. But the panicked looks on the faces of those people in the circle still linger with me. It looked like they were hoping for a reprieve but got a metaphorical whack with a stick from a woman none of us could help but appreciate on some level.

“Face your lives,” she said. “Face your lives.”